How to stand up for yourself

I just got back to Germany from Kruger National Park where I was with fellow IPBES authors for our second meeting. I had a really nice time getting to know my co-authors more and also hanging out with the Japanese crew! The week definitely was a nice respite from the stress that I felt from work. I reached a tipping point and my mental health was in tatters that I needed to take a sick leave for a week. I made a mistake with endorsing Filipa instead of Max for the Managing Director position at BRI. I guess I first started to get annoyed with her when she was complaining about her salary at the very onset then I was convinced that she wasn't a good fit when she made a big deal out a €30 book that I wanted to buy and she asked me if I could just buy that by the end of the year. What the fuck. She was also complaining during her first week about how the office is too small and that we should be transferred to a bigger building etc. etc. Wow. So many complaints and so much entitlement for someone who has yet to prove herself AND for someone who needed to prioritize the renewal of the contract of the institute.

Anyway, the trip to Johannesburg was also not too nice and buying Maria Ressa's book gave me new courage. I was "persuaded" to take the airport taxi, which was twice the price of taking an Uber. I hated myself for not being able to say "no" and reading Maria Ressa's book, thinking about how I am turning 40 this year and still could not say "no" nor express myself openly, I decided that I should use Maria Ressa as my peg in future decision-making as well as how I interact with my team that is starting to build up for the Volkswagen Foundation project. So far the Philippine collaborator, Jun, is a big disappointment and I just want to cut him off from the project. But at least I have finished the interviews for the Project Coordinator in Germany and I have chosen my student Stephanie Murr as the perfect person for the job. There will be some complications along the way when she goes for her research semester abroad, for example, but I believe in her and, of course, celebrate women! Well, my trip to Japan has been cancelled so I will just use this week to catch up on my writing backlogs. Wish me luck. I need to be able to stand up for myself more.

Post-PhD career milestones

1. Necessity

2. Curiosity

3. Audacity

What is this that I feel

My trip to the Philippines is just a continuation of the disorienting situation that I have in Germany. Life is so difficult nowadays and I do not know why. I met my former boss today after not having seen each other since 2010. It was nice to catch up but it also felt a bit awkward; I couldn't figure out if he suddenly became a "man" and developed an interest in women. I just hope he's not interested in me. I can't deal with any of that shit these days.

Still worse these days

I had my consultation with my psychiatrist a few days ago and she offered to write a sick note for me. However, I told her it's just not possible for me to be off work; I continue my teaching tomorrow until June. I really hope I can survive these next weeks. Help!

I am really worried about the Philippine presidential elections. I am hoping that there will be no (or minimal) cheating because I can tell that the momentum is with the People's Campaign of Leni Robredo. She really inspired a large proportion of Philippine society to go out and campaign. It's amazing!

I'll blog on Monday. She will win. I hope she wins. China interfered the last time there was a Philippine election. I hope this time no one does, although the odds are stacked against Leni Robredo, but I have a feeling that people would not let cheating happen. I can feel that we are winning.

Worse these days

I only have this week to prepare for my next module on Stakeholder Communication but I cannot seem to focus. There's just too many things that need to be done but I feel paralyzed and distracted. I don't know if Andrea's tirade during the weekend caused me to feel this way but I really cannot focus on things I need to do. 

In particular, I cannot forget what Andrea told me, "Sure, you can accomplish things for your work but you cannot do anything for your private life." I feel that he's right. My apartment here in Eberswalde is a mess and I can't seem to do anything right. Of course, I am still depressed just trying to function. 

But it's terribly difficult to function when the circumstances around you are not conducive. I am increasingly feeling microaggression, discrimination, exclusion and it's not helping me. The students as well are quite problematic (mostly the German ones) and everything's just a mess, I'm basically just trying to survive until I get all my materials in place.

Wish me luck. The next couple of weeks are going to be wild. I need to be ready. And I hope that Leni Robredo will win as president of the Philippines. I hope to finally get my ballot tomorrow / Friday / Saturday and send it next week. I had to swallow my pride and ask Guido to claim the ballot from the post office near his home on my behalf. It worked and he now sent it here as ordinary mail.

Wish me luck!