The new project is quite different from the more pragmatic projects that I've been doing for the past decade. No community training or reforestation or solar cafe or biking the whole of the Philippines for the kids of Cancer Warriors. Nothing of the sort.
The new project is a project of the self, apologies that this might sound unfamiliar (or even cryptic) to some, but it's either I am taking seriously what Sir Tony has said about me being stoic or just suffering from what a friend calls, "PTLD."
I find that my initial response to new situations, new feelings, new things is no longer that of wonder or excitement. I'm becoming phlegmatic and unemotional, but not so much with no longer able to feel - there's just a certain "dam" within me that "automatically" controls my responses. My responses are a bit tricky; they can go from end to end of a whole spectrum. Although the past months or weeks or just not like before, a "genuine" smile or laugh from me is very difficult to extract.
The project of the self is a project to find myself again; my facial expressions are completely different now from how they were before (yes, it is possible to unconsciously change them). And even if someone smiles at me, I don't smile back automatically anymore (but, of course, you have to choose whom you smile at, you don't want to give the wrong impression).
The past few days I was/am really lonely. The type of loneliness that you just want to cry without any reason - and what's more pathetic is that the people you want to turn to or to cry your heart out with are on the other side of the world. And this week, I've had failures and disappointments and heartbreaks every single day.
But I try to smile. I try to be happy. I owe it to the universe to be as happy as I can be. Just that the happiness that I can muster as of press time is only 0.01 above loneliness!
I think I really just need someone to talk to. And not just the usual talk, gossip and what not. I need a proper conversation, which I can't have even from people back home, given the timezone (when I am waking up, they're wrapping their day up). I miss talking under the sky of Gabaldon or in front of the Gesu church or even over beer at Cubao Ex. I miss seeing a sky full of stars. I miss the sight of trees, with no signs of civilization!
Do you have a cure? I hate being phlegmatic. Not that I have a lot of phlegm (haha) but I just really miss my old self.
