Since I got back to the Philippines in August, I've been trying to get back my old life. It just isn't possible to do so. It's still very much a roller coaster ride, hopefully culminating just with my grandmother's death.
Our household has been so used to my mother (and father) being busy with my grandmother and all the other things connected with their family business that everything became so mechanical and everything had its own place. You can just imagine how disorienting it can be to lose my grandmother. Add to that, to have my father at disposal when there's nothing much to be busy with anymore.
What is the gap that my grandmother fills? For my mother, it's a big one for sure but I cannot really tell. For me, she is a reminder of what life is. She who bathed me and my elder sister and scraped the dirt off my feet with the shower drain cover; she who drank our leftover beer one fine new year's day; she who constantly told me to comb my hair before leaving the house (because I never did so during my college years); and she who brought me with her to the cellar when she was eating the forbidden chicken skin (according to the story of a relative). I was too young to remember the last one.
When I came back home, she told me that it was good that they would have one more person to be with her and my mother and the rest of the household. It was interesting to speak with her, but not that easy since she could not hear very well anymore. But I guess the most difficult part was bridging the generation gap and explaining to her what I was doing and working on.
I have no regrets, even if I was in Indonesia for work when she died. Hours before I flew for Indonesia, I was at the hospital and saw how weak she was compared to two days before. I became afraid but, at the same time, was also hopeful. As mom said, she's been through worse and survived. She surely can overcome this time. She did, just not in the way that we imagined.
And so here we are, here I am, still trying to get my old life back but knowing that I will never get it back. Tomorrow, I go back to work. Despite these setbacks, I am still thankful for the ups that the year has given me. I have work and my work understands how important family is.
On to working for the world. Lola, please guide me and give me the strength to pull through.
Our household has been so used to my mother (and father) being busy with my grandmother and all the other things connected with their family business that everything became so mechanical and everything had its own place. You can just imagine how disorienting it can be to lose my grandmother. Add to that, to have my father at disposal when there's nothing much to be busy with anymore.
What is the gap that my grandmother fills? For my mother, it's a big one for sure but I cannot really tell. For me, she is a reminder of what life is. She who bathed me and my elder sister and scraped the dirt off my feet with the shower drain cover; she who drank our leftover beer one fine new year's day; she who constantly told me to comb my hair before leaving the house (because I never did so during my college years); and she who brought me with her to the cellar when she was eating the forbidden chicken skin (according to the story of a relative). I was too young to remember the last one.
When I came back home, she told me that it was good that they would have one more person to be with her and my mother and the rest of the household. It was interesting to speak with her, but not that easy since she could not hear very well anymore. But I guess the most difficult part was bridging the generation gap and explaining to her what I was doing and working on.
I have no regrets, even if I was in Indonesia for work when she died. Hours before I flew for Indonesia, I was at the hospital and saw how weak she was compared to two days before. I became afraid but, at the same time, was also hopeful. As mom said, she's been through worse and survived. She surely can overcome this time. She did, just not in the way that we imagined.
And so here we are, here I am, still trying to get my old life back but knowing that I will never get it back. Tomorrow, I go back to work. Despite these setbacks, I am still thankful for the ups that the year has given me. I have work and my work understands how important family is.
On to working for the world. Lola, please guide me and give me the strength to pull through.
