A little over a week and I'll be back in Southeast Asia. What do I feel? Sadness, anxiety, loneliness. My classmates are leaving one by one and I'll be the last to leave this dormitory. Our theses are due on Friday and, of course, most of us are not finished yet. I pretty much have something written per chapter, but it's in a state that is called mediocre or crammed. If I want to make it better, I should stop writing this entry. But I would like to write this entry, if only to purge the sadness and loneliness that are creeping in.
I just had lunch with my Filipino friend and her Peruvian/Spanish boyfriend. They've become very good friends of mine and I really hate to leave yet another good friendship. But, I just realized, if one wants to be a nomad, one has to let go of emotions. Live life like a robot: pack your stuff efficiently, don't accumulate too much stuff, make friends but do not get attached, do not even think of getting involved with someone else, just do what you have to do, finish your mission and move on.
Unfortunately, I am no robot and I feel really, really, really sad about leaving. Because I am getting left behind. Because I am leaving people behind. They say it's always the hardest for those who get left behind, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it isn't hard for those who are leaving.
Nomad somehow means "no mad." That when you are a nomad, you are not prone to getting mad. Not really. These past two years have been a test of my character. Having no real vacations since March 2010, I'm close to running on empty. And I've been running on empty, just that I refuel on scraps. So I really wonder how I managed to do pretty well this year. Maybe I've been doing what my cousin told me: sometimes you just have to do things, you don't need to be inspired to do them.
And so I've written 99 pages of interesting things on 1.5 spacing. Four weeks. Writing from scratch, meaning I also had to allot time to read related literature and to transcribe data and to analyze data. And, of course, go to Germany right after a sister comes to pester me. But, not really proud. I am not yet finished. And I am really sad.
I gotta do what I gotta do. Put all these crazy emotions aside, deal with it after I've finished the thesis. Because, really, the past has left me and the future is not in sight. I only have the present.
Looking forward to finishing this and moving on. It will get better, I know. But the present dictates that I suffer. Can't wait for a grand reunion of me and my two ugly sisters this week :-) Let's see if they can help out in proofreading :-) That will surely be a present.
I just had lunch with my Filipino friend and her Peruvian/Spanish boyfriend. They've become very good friends of mine and I really hate to leave yet another good friendship. But, I just realized, if one wants to be a nomad, one has to let go of emotions. Live life like a robot: pack your stuff efficiently, don't accumulate too much stuff, make friends but do not get attached, do not even think of getting involved with someone else, just do what you have to do, finish your mission and move on.
Unfortunately, I am no robot and I feel really, really, really sad about leaving. Because I am getting left behind. Because I am leaving people behind. They say it's always the hardest for those who get left behind, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it isn't hard for those who are leaving.
Nomad somehow means "no mad." That when you are a nomad, you are not prone to getting mad. Not really. These past two years have been a test of my character. Having no real vacations since March 2010, I'm close to running on empty. And I've been running on empty, just that I refuel on scraps. So I really wonder how I managed to do pretty well this year. Maybe I've been doing what my cousin told me: sometimes you just have to do things, you don't need to be inspired to do them.
And so I've written 99 pages of interesting things on 1.5 spacing. Four weeks. Writing from scratch, meaning I also had to allot time to read related literature and to transcribe data and to analyze data. And, of course, go to Germany right after a sister comes to pester me. But, not really proud. I am not yet finished. And I am really sad.
I gotta do what I gotta do. Put all these crazy emotions aside, deal with it after I've finished the thesis. Because, really, the past has left me and the future is not in sight. I only have the present.
Looking forward to finishing this and moving on. It will get better, I know. But the present dictates that I suffer. Can't wait for a grand reunion of me and my two ugly sisters this week :-) Let's see if they can help out in proofreading :-) That will surely be a present.
